Alv

I’m tired of this… I won’t go back on my word anymore

my feelings will no longer confuse me.. love is no longer an option.

(Source: alvarisle)

Anonymous asked: i hope you feel better n_n, i'm just a random person who has been creeping on your blog.

is that so.. thank you.

today was bad..

I woke up in tears today, for no particular reason really.. just loneliness galore.  Pure, simple, beautiful loneliness.

I no longer have any control.  My days are just simply shattered by this dark, gruesome tightness in my chest.  

Today is mothers day, my mother saw me break down without me noticing.  Being the only person I trust, she tried to comfort me..

We had a dinner to go to with the family, I basically told her I don’t care about her, mothers day, or anyone less anything.

This darkness turns me into something I’m not.  It’s filled with madness and rage.

She told me that ever since I came back from NY that I’m not the same.  She doesn’t remember me being depressed anymore.  She thought we had been past that.  The two or so years I spent recovering all gone..

She hit the nail right in the coffin.  She said “maybe I shouldn’t have let you go anywhere” - I lied and told her it wasn’t like that.. I just simply missed her.

Lied.. she was 100% correct.. Ever since my arrival I have been nothing but betrayed, ignored, and broken..

I am broken..

My mother is strong, and even though she left after we made peace, I think this time no matter how strong you can be.. I went too far.

No mother should be told what I told her nor should they have to watch their son in this state… of… misery.

She brushed it off, I hope she’ll be ok. I hope I’m just over-thinking and my words didn’t phase her.

I hope..

I don’t know what to do anymore.. I’m not myself… I don’t trust anything nor anyone… I can’t live like this.. I just want to watch the world burn…

I’m just a broken toy.. I just want to die..

happy mothers day right..

This story comes to an end

I had never cried so much in my life.  The second I read that text, my body, mind, and everything immediately gave out.  I have never broken down so fast in my life.

I sobbed and screamed into a pillow.  The tears wouldn’t stop.  The pillow was filled with tears so I switched to another one.  Before I knew it I was on pillow number four and the stream of tears were nowhere to be done.

Finally, I rose.  ”I will clear my head” I thought. Dragging my feet along the long corridor, feeling like a dead man, I reached the bathroom.  I opened the door and saw my reflection.  My eyes dark and red like blood, my face moist and wet from all the tears.. all my sadness and misery turned into anger.

I punched my reflection with all my rage and despair, crushing the poor mirror and shattering it into a million little pieces.  Sadly for me, it wasn’t the only thing broken.  My fist were cut.  The blood flowed as the pain circulated through and around my body and I felt.  I felt again.  I had become a shadow of my mere self since I had returned from my trip a month ago.  ”When did I stop feeling?” I thought.  I had blocked away all the pain.  However, along with the pain it seems I locked away all my other emotions with it.

I watched the blood run and splash down to the ground and somewhere deep inside me.. I enjoyed it. I felt alive.

I want to feel more I thought.  With that said, the thought of suicide had never left my head.  When did it even get in there I wondered? I was so angry and emotional, but the feeling to kill myself was that not of a stranger.

I grabbed the biggest kitchen knife I had.  It must of been about 8 inches long.

I prepared my bathtub.

“Let’s feel more until the end” I thought.

The water filled.  I submerged myself in the water.  All the way down.  The water was hot so when I opened my eyes it burned even more than the cut on my hand.  My breath was no more, so I raised my head from the water and looked at my new friend.  I was in for some fun.

I started with my left wrist, I really love my hands.  It can only imagine how hard it would of been if I used my non-dominant hand.  Anywho, I did one stroke across.  Watched the blood flow..

Nothing.

No pain, no despair, no joy, no nothing.

Then I remembered that I had just committed a nooby mistake. I’m pretty sure you have to cut along the rails and not across  them to commit suicide.  So here I was. With emo cuts on my wrist, at such a low point in my life I thought.  I can’t even kill myself correctly.  Baffled, I laughed at my own stupidity.

Later I go on to find out that maybe it was for the best, so was it luck? Or did my brain just knew already ahead of time?

Before that however, the feeling of nothing really caught me off guard.  ”What does this mean?” I thought to myself.

Suddenly I was overwhelmed by emotions again.  Afraid of what I had done I dropped the knife and started crying again.  I was engulfed in memories as if someone was rapid firing them to me with a machine gun.

And I thought, “She’s happy” - While I rotted in my little hole and cried myself to sleep she was watching her show and was into it I bet, was cheering on and it was her joy.  ”She was happy” - I thought again.

Isn’t that what all people want for each other? Happiness?

So I thought “When did I stop loving her?” - Why do I have to take those things away, why do I have to take my life away to make a point, when there is no point to be made?

I had just simply lost

And I was being a sore loser.

There’s a lot of things in life that I could possibly be, and a sore loser is not one of them.  Shocked by what I had realized, I came to terms with it. Her happiness is not my happiness.  In fact, that happiness is my misery.  How can I love someone like that? That’s not love, that’s forcing someone into something they’re not.  I had lost and I had to accept it.

However, I will not change either.

This is just one of those things that end relationships I guess.  I didn’t believe for them to be true.  I always thought if people just tried their best they could get through anything together.  It seems I was dead wrong.  No matter how many chances, no matter how hurt I was, no matter how dead I seemed.  She will always go back to it.

I have lost fair and square and I accept it.

I will never forget this day, and I will never forget the one that I truly did love with all my heart.

I will not self destruct and feel sorry for myself either.  I will lick my wounds and rebuild my life from the ground up.

It was such a wonderful experience and such a lovely story.

Sadly some stories come to an end.  I wish you nothing but the best.

Good bye.

i cry every night

i cry every morning

i can’t remember the last time i showered

just reading your texts brings tears to my eyes

the pain in my heart

it is too much

i am a mess

i don’t want any of this

i am beyond depressed

i have been destroyed

why should I believe anything..

why should I forgive anyone..

why should I love anyone but myself..

it’s time to go back to my roots..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Hllt_9F-w on repeat

I just want to move on with my life.

sundresses are a gift from heaven

I will move on.  

And I will succeed.

No one, nor anything, can stop me.